Why I find school so difficult: Sasha's story

Our Kooth platform offers judgement-free support to children and young people. As well as mini activities, discussion forums and access to one-to-one counselling, service users can also access an extensive library of therapeutic content.

The following article was developed by our clinical content team and is intended to support young people who find it hard to go to school. The story and advice is from someone we're calling 'Sasha'; this is her verbatim account as explained to our team.

As always, all content on Kooth is reviewed by our clinical experts for safety and appropriateness, and is age gated according to our guidelines.

Sasha is a secondary school student. Due to her anxiety around school, she is currently on a reduced timetable while also attending some online classes to keep up with her education. She is just one of many young people across the UK who finds going to school a challenge. Here, she shares:

• •

  her personal experience of school

• •

  what she needs from her school

• •

  how she stays in touch with friends

• •

  the advice she’d give to others struggling to go to school

What is school like for you?

If I were to describe school in three words, I would say it’s hard, overwhelming, and confusing! People might think that it’s just to do with schoolwork, but it’s not. In fact, it’s less about the actual work, and more about learning how to manage everything that’s going on. I have to do a lot of things all at once - manage the lessons, the different rules, and the expectations. In addition to schoolwork, sometimes, there are so many people around and so many smells and noises I don’t like.

I find going into school really hard, as there are so many ‘what-ifs’ going round and round in my mind. What if I don’t understand what to do in lessons? What if I don’t know the answers? What if I don’t know what is expected of me? What if I don’t see my friends?

These thoughts sometimes stop me from sleeping, and if I know I’m going to school the next day, I hate going to bed. I often feel sick, get headaches, and feel really tense and fidgety. All this happens before I’m even at school.

When I actually get to school, it’s so full of people that I find the noise unbearable sometimes. Assembly days are the worst because there’s so much going on. I hate the different noises all at once - people chatting, chairs scraping, doors slamming; it feels overwhelming.

I also find it difficult when people are sitting so close to me, especially when they’re not my friends. We have to sit still quietly and focus on whatever’s being said, which I find stressful and difficult. I just cannot cope with this before my first lesson.

What do you need from school?

I generally keep things to myself, but I know myself better now than when I left primary school; I know what helps and what doesn’t. Here are just some of the things I wish people at school knew:

• •

  Please don’t single me out. I find being asked direct questions in front of the whole class really overwhelming. Asking me questions in smaller groups, or away from everyone else is much more helpful. Sometimes a teacher emailing me instead of talking to me face-to-face feels useful, too. It gives me a chance to have more time to think properly about my answer and keeps me from feeling overwhelmed.

• •

  Please don’t make assumptions. Everyone has different experiences of school. I remember a teacher once telling me about their own experiences of when school was hard. Maybe she thought she was helping me, but I felt I was having a lecture and my experience of ‘hard’ was different than hers. She just talked at me, which made me feel misunderstood and not listened to. People at school cannot guess I find school hard because I don’t complain or behave in a way that gets people’s attention. I’m quiet and ‘go under the radar’ a bit. But I think this also sometimes means the adults around me assume that I’m okay, which is not helpful at all.

• •

  Help me prepare for the lessons I do come in for. I am on a reduced timetable now, so if I do come into school, I have huge anxiety about being unprepared. Knowing what I need to be prepared is useful. A reminder of anything I might need for class is helpful - a short email is good. I’ve gone to school prepared with the right equipment, but then the lesson changed and I had the wrong things. That made me not want to go in next time, as I was scared I would not be prepared properly and get into trouble.

• •

  Help me to feel safe. I do not feel safe at school because it’s too overwhelming. I feel much more comfortable in spaces where I can be myself and that don’t feel big. I feel I need a ‘safe place’ that is comfortable and familiar to me - somewhere to go and have an adult there who understands and cares.

How do you stay in touch with friends when you’re not at school?

We keep in touch by messaging and on social media, but I meet a few friends outside of school sometimes. Some of my friends live nearby, which is nice. And I still go to ballet, which means I get to do something I enjoy while hanging out with other people my age.

My friends are supportive. I find it helpful when they don’t mention the whole school thing, or try to offer advice or encouragement. People are trying to be nice when they say things like ‘Why don’t I meet you before school?’, or ‘Why don’t you just try doing this to make it easier?’. I don’t mean to sound horrible, but I really don’t need my friends to fix things.

I sometimes just want to hang out and forget about school. Also, if things were that easy, school wouldn’t be such a challenge. It’s more helpful to talk about other things, and if I decide to bring up school, it feels like it’s my choice to talk about it.

What advice would you give to someone else who finds school challenging?

I would definitely encourage them to tell someone. For a really long time, I didn’t say how I felt because I didn’t know how. I’m still learning to open up more, but when I do, it does feel good to be listened to. I feel listened to by my parents who support me as best they can, and I definitely feel like my sister understands me more now, too. My little brother, not so much, but he’s really young so it’s understandable!

I’m on a reduced timetable and do some home learning through an online school, which really helps me. But I know there are things that could be improved, especially at school. I think getting the right support for me is still something I’m figuring out all the time, and I think the school is trying to work it out now, too. For example, there are teaching assistants who really get me, and then there are others who don’t at all. It’s taken a while to come to terms with the fact that not everyone will understand.

I think that last of all, it is a good idea to be realistic. I put pressure on myself to think I had to do well on every test and homework, and this was at the same time as trying to settle into a new school and cope with everything at once.

I know that now it takes me so much effort to go into the school building, and if I can make it in and feel okay-ish just for one lesson, that is a massive achievement for me. When I do get overwhelmed, I try to remind myself that I tried my best and that is all that matters.