This article was written by a Qwell mental health writer, Milly. It contains the following themes: neurodiversity; managing expectations and comparisons; mental health challenges, including suicide, redefining success, and celebrating achievements.
In a world that often measures success through a narrow lens of academic achievements and social milestones, parenting can sometimes feel like a competitive race. However, for parents of neurodivergent children, this race can seem even more daunting. Being ‘neurodivergent’ means your brain works differently to a ‘neurotypical’ person.
As part of our ‘supporting a neurodiverse child’ series, Jude talks about her journey with her son, Adam. She shares how they’ve learned to embrace his unique path, celebrate his strengths, and redefine success on their own terms.
*Jude and Adam are pseudonyms.
Different from an early age
“Adam is 22 now and was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) by his childhood paediatrician. He’s also severely dyslexic. When he started school, I remember going in and saying “He’s going to be dyslexic; you need to be aware.” But the teacher wasn’t interested. Two years later, they were telling us to get him tested as he was falling behind. “I suspect Adam also has dyscalculia, but we didn’t want to put him through loads more tests when he was already getting the maximum support available. As Adam’s gone through life, he’s become more and more anxious.”
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ADHD
: a disorder that impacts behaviour. It’s marked by difficulties with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness beyond what is typically observed for an individual’s age and development level.
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Dyslexia
: a learning disorder that affects the way the brain processes written and spoken language, making reading, spelling, and language-based tasks challenging.
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Dyscalculia
: a learning disorder that results in persistent difficulty in understanding numbers. It leads to a range of challenges with tasks involving numbers, such as using money, understanding concepts of time, and basic maths.
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Autism
: a spectrum disorder that impacts how people interact with others, learn, behave, and communicate. It’s often characterised by challenges with social communication and repetitive or restricted behaviours. Autism can vary greatly between individuals.
Singled out at school
“From a young age, Adam was really aware that he was behind his classmates, and he was getting bullied for being different. It was shocking how quickly Adam stopped being invited to birthday parties that the entire class was at. It was really painful to watch.
“It felt like the kids didn’t want him there, and the parents didn’t want him there. In my eyes, I didn’t feel like he really wasn’t that bad. The other kids used to wind him up in class to watch him get into trouble.
“Throughout high school, Adam managed to find a good group of friends who were all slightly different in some way. But generally, being different proved a challenge in Adam’s relationships with other kids.”
Adjusting expectations of parenthood and working through mental health challenges
“Adam needs a lot of support. Parenthood has been much more exhausting for me than I thought it would be. You don’t expect to still be co-sleeping with your child when they’re six or seven. You don’t expect your child to be suicidal at seven, but Adam was. Throughout childhood and still now, Adam has depressive episodes. The first time that little boy told me he wanted to die, it floored me. It was heartbreaking.
“We work through these episodes loop after loop, and it can feel endless in a way. It’s a long-term commitment looking after a neurodivergent child with mental health challenges. You expect to support your child practically and emotionally throughout their teens, but not when your child is in their twenties.
“Adam lives at home with us and his girlfriend. Although he’s 22, I don’t see him moving out anytime soon. So we’re even moving into a bigger house to make more space for all of us.”
The pressure of comparisons and managing expectations
“As well as having to adjust our expectations of what our life might look like, we also have to manage other people’s expectations. For example, with Adam’s sensory issues comes some eating difficulties with certain textures he doesn’t like. My mother-in-law used to get upset about how Adam wouldn’t eat a ‘normal’ Christmas dinner. But for us, it was amazing he even sat at the dinner table and ate sausages and ketchup. Over time, Adam has become much more flexible with what he eats and is much happier sitting at the dinner table. However, tension amongst the family still continues – our definition of success is not always the same as other people’s.
“Parents can also be super competitive. I hear parents talking so competitively about their child’s academic achievements, sporting talents, career prospects, or hobbies. For me, I was just so impressed Adam sat his exams. Over time, I’ve cut loads of people out of my life because I couldn’t handle the comparisons – I didn’t need to hear it. My successes with Adam were that he was alive, or that I got him into school for a day.
“My mum has the same trouble with other grandparents, too. She can’t talk about her grandson because she can’t compete with the brilliant things their grandkids are doing – even though she’s so proud of Adam.”
“When we started homeschooling Adam at age 13, it really helped Adam learn while avoiding the comparisons. Homeschooling helped him feel more in control of who he was and how to be, and he felt less trapped.”
Redefining success
“Whilst Adam might not always experience ‘success’ in terms of social norms, there are so many achievements we’re proud of him for. When he was at school, he won the award for academic effort because he’d tried so hard and pushed himself beyond what everyone thought he was capable of. His school was really supportive and emphasised effort was more important than outcomes.
“I’m really proud of how empathetic Adam is with other people, and how kind, generous, and caring he is. I love watching his relationship with my mum grow.
“He’s also a downhill mountain biker and currently competes in the ‘expert class’, which is the top invite-only, non-professional class in the UK. I think the speed and adrenaline really help him. He finds his happy place amongst the huge jumps, steep drops, and tree dodging. The community is also amazing – it’s got loads of people like Adam who enjoy risk-taking.”
“I’m proud of his achievements which might not be a big deal to other parents, like Adam passing his driving test for the first time and driving safely ever since. He loves speed, so I’m surprised and proud of how safe he drives.”
Embracing Adam’s strengths
“Working to Adam’s strengths and downplaying any weaknesses has helped him. He’s become really accepting of his ADHD, and maybe even proud of it. He sees strengths in ADHD that he can use. For instance, he’s super observant, which helps him make snap decisions in mountain biking. He’s won trophies for mountain biking and it’s something he can be really proud of. He also volunteers with animals and he’s really aware of their body language, which helps him become a better carer.
“On the other hand, his dyslexia can make life very difficult for him to do normal things like CV writing or texting. I need to support Adam a lot with very basic tasks. Ideally, he wants a career that embraces his strengths and doesn’t revolve around reading or writing. If we can get him settled in that, then the dyslexia won’t fade away, but it won’t matter as much.”
Trust your instincts
“If I could give one piece of advice to people in a similar position to mine, I’d say trust your instincts. You know your child better than anybody else and you know what they need.
“It can also be helpful to connect with those who just get it. I’ve got great relationships with my husband and my mum, and have also joined some online groups for parents in similar positions. Connecting with people who do understand you can help you feel much less alone.”
Further support
Everyone’s experience of parenting and neurodiversity is unique. Whether you want to learn more about what it means to be neurodivergent, or find advice and guidance specific to you, there is a range of support available.
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[National Autistic Society (NAS)[(https://www.autism.org.uk/): provides information, parent-to-parent support, and advice services for those impacted by autism.
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ADHD Foundation: offers support and resources for individuals with ADHD, including educational resources and advocacy for families.
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British Dyslexia Association (BDA): provides information on dyslexia, assessments, and support services for parents and educators.
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Family Fund: provides grants for families raising disabled children and young people across the UK.
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SOS!SEN: offers a helpline, workshops, and advice sessions for parents navigating the education system with children who have special educational needs, including neurodivergent children.
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The Brain Charity: offers information, advice, and support for anyone based in the UK who has a neurological condition, as well as support for friends and family.