Coming out is the process of telling someone how you identify in terms of your romantic orientation, sexual orientation, or your gender identity. Coming out sounds like something somebody does just once, but actually, it’s something that people in the LGBTQIA+ community might do many times at different stages of their life.
If you’re a parent or guardian of someone who has come out as LGBTQIA+, you may have questions about how you can best support them.
*LGBTQIA+ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer or questioning, intersex, asexual, and more. For more information on these terms, check out the LGBTQIA+ organisation, Stonewall, for a glossary list of terms.
In this article, we’ll be exploring how to listen to your child and support them in their journey, as well as how to acknowledge your own feelings and find additional help and advice. Throughout the process, it may be helpful to remember to do the following:
- 1.
Listen to how your child feels.
- 2.
Think about what they need from you.
- 3.
Be aware of your reaction.
- 4.
Be honest about what you don’t know, and learn.
- 5.
Use new terminology.
- 6.
Reflect on your response with compassion.
- 7.
Allow space for your emotions and get support.
Let’s discuss how we can incorporate these tips.
1. Listen to how your child feels
You may have been wondering about your child’s sexual, romantic, or gender identity for a while, or they may be telling you for the first time. Either way, coming out to a loved one can be emotionally challenging. So, whilst it can be tempting to ask lots of questions straight away, it can be helpful to try not to interrupt and let them talk at their own pace.
If you would like to know more, or have questions, you could let them know and ask if they feel comfortable continuing the conversation. If they don’t want to continue the conversation, you could let them know that you’re there to talk if they want to do so at a different time.
Similarly, if you think your child might be questioning, don’t pressure them to talk to you about it. It might be more helpful to gently let them know that you will support them whatever is on their mind.
The main thing to keep in mind is trying to create a supportive home environment for your child so that they have space to share their thoughts and feelings safely, whenever they may be ready to do so.
2. Think about what they need from you.
Listening to how your child feels might also help you establish what they really need from you in that moment, and in the weeks ahead. They might need a listening ear, some practical support, some help telling others, or just a reassuring hug.
Reflecting back what you think they might need can also help them think about what they need a bit more. For example, if they come to you confused about how to speak to a friend about their gender identity, you might say, “It sounds like you just need someone to talk to right now, and perhaps later on, some help figuring out how to tell your friend. Is that right?” Thinking about their needs can help your child feel safe, heard, and maybe even more in control.
As the NSPCC (National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children) reminds and advises, “Coming out can be a stressful experience for young people and they may be worried about having to come out multiple times to different people. You could ask your child about who they feel comfortable coming out to, and if there’s anything you can do to make it easier for them. They might ask you to tell members of the family, for example. Let your child know that it’s okay if there are people they don’t feel ready to tell straight away.”
It can be helpful to let your child know that you are there to advocate for them, if they need or want this. It is best to ask your child what you can do to help and how you can be useful to them. Remember, they may need practical, as well as emotional support, such as advocating for change in their school or workplace. Tasks like these don’t have to be their sole responsibility. Find ways to proactively support your child through both your words and your actions.
3. Be aware of your reaction.
If your child has come out to you, or they are questioning, you may be feeling a lot of emotions as you process this information. However, try to be mindful of your reaction in the moment.
Although it’s normal to feel a range of emotions such as denial, shock, and disbelief, try to avoid impulse responses that may make your child feel dismissed, invalidated, or disapproved of. If possible, it might be helpful to give yourself some time before reacting.
It’s really common to have a range of emotions if your child comes out to you. You might experience emotions such as:
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Guilt that you didn’t know about your child’s sexual or romantic orientation or gender identity. You may feel that as a caring and loving parent that you have perhaps let your child down by not knowing about their identity before they told you.
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A sense of loss for the relationship you had with your child before they shared this information with you. It may feel like that child and that relationship has gone and that may feel sad. Some people describe this feeling as a little like grief.
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Fears, worries, or perceived ideas about how their life will be. You may feel worried that they will be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation.
Strive to stay in the moment with your child. You could remind them that your love is unconditional, thank them for telling you, ask if there is anything else they wish to let you know, and be honest about if you’re unsure how to proceed. In reality, they don’t need you to know how to proceed through every next step of their coming out journey, rather that you will always be there to support them and that you love all parts of them.
4. Be honest about what you don’t know, and learn.
It’s okay to be honest and transparent with your child if you don’t know something, but reassure them that you are willing and wanting to learn. Speaking to people you know who are LGBTQIA+ can be a way to broaden your understanding, if you have a trusted LGBTQIA+ friend or family member that is comfortable to share and support, they can be a great source of information, especially on how they felt coming out to their family and how you can make it a positive experience for your child.
Do be mindful that not everyone will want to share their experience, and that’s okay too. There are also excellent resources online such as articles, podcasts, forums and organisations – we’ve listed some at the end of this article.
5. Use new terminology.
Your child may begin using new terminology or pronouns that reflect their gender, sexuality, or sexual identity. This may feel challenging, as it can take time to get used to new words or terminology that we are unfamiliar with.
However, using your child’s preferred terminology can often be really significant. As their parent, your words are powerful and can help demonstrate your love, care, and respect for them. Taking the time to learn about new concepts and terms can go a long way to make your child feel fully supported by the family.
A practical way to do this is to respect their language choices, listen carefully to the pronouns they use for themselves and their friends, and then use those language choices and pronouns just like they do.
It is likely that you may make a mistake or not get things quite right straight away. That’s okay. The best thing to do if you use the wrong pronoun is to say something right away, like “Sorry, I meant (insert pronoun)”. It can be tempting to labour your apology or state how hard it is for you to get it right. However, these kinds of responses may make the situation worse or make them feel like they have to comfort you, which is not their job.
6. Reflect on your response with compassion.
If your child has already come out to you and you are reflecting on how you responded, don’t give yourself a hard time if in the moment you were shocked, unable to respond, or did not say the “perfect” thing.
Parents often feel guilty over how they responded or are unsure if their response was good enough. However, what you do afterward is what really matters. Ensuring that safe space is always there for your child so you can continue to support them beyond the first conversation can be really useful. The exact specifics are not important, as there is no set playbook and each child is different. If you feel you’ve not said the right thing, or you have regrets about how you managed conversations or situations, acknowledging it with your child might be really useful. As parents, we don’t always get things right, but sometimes how we repair our mistakes is really important, and valuable.
7. Allow space for your emotions and get support.
Make sure that you find support for yourselves as a parent, if needed. Creating a good support system around you – be that friends, family, or professionals – can be really useful when going through unfamiliar situations.
You may find it helpful to get in touch with a support organisation, such as FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians & Gays) and potentially seek out a local parents’ support group where you will be able to talk through your emotions.
For more information about LGBTQIA+ issues, you can check out the organisations, Stonewall and Gendered Intelligence/
You can share your worries and know that you are amongst people who understand at least part of what is going on for you. It may also be that you don’t particularly want to talk, but just listening to other parents’ experiences may feel helpful.
If you need to, talk to a therapist. Remember, it takes time to process and navigate change and it’s okay to reach out for help. Taking care of yourself and attending to your own emotional needs may also allow you to be a better ally and source of support for your child, both now and in the future.
