This article is written by a Qwell writer (she/her) and contains mentions of the following themes: being a carer, support, loneliness, isolation, and stress.
Being a carer can be a complicated role, so it’s important to learn how to look after yourself if you are one. Qwell’s consultant clinical psychologist, Dr. Hannah Wilson, says, “There are a lot of expectations carers can put on themselves, like ‘This is somebody I love, therefore, it should be easy to care for them.’ When carers have feelings of resentment, blame, frustration, or wishing things could be different, they can become quite self-critical or experience feelings of guilt, thinking ‘I made a vow,’ ‘this person would’ve done the same for me,’ or ‘this person took care of me when I was little so now it’s my turn.’ It’s important that we find space to express these feelings because dismissing or invalidating them can lead to mental health difficulties.”
Oftentimes, people who are carers may not even realise it - their caring responsibilities are so intertwined with their daily lives. However, it is important to identify if you are a carer because it can be a stressful role, and there may be valuable support available. This article will discuss what a carer is, some common difficulties carers may face, and available resources and support - with some perspective and advice from Qwell's clinical psychologist, Dr. Hannah Wilson.
What is a carer?
A carer is someone who provides unpaid support to a friend or family member with an illness, disability, mental health issue, or addiction that makes it unable for them to carry out daily life without support. It’s important to remember that a carer could be someone of any age, and caring roles and situations can look very different:
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a husband may be a carer for his wife who has terminal cancer
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a 30-year-old woman may be the carer for her mother who has dementia
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a 14-year-old boy may be the carer for his father who has a mental health issue
A carer’s responsibilities can vary from emotional support to feeding and bathing, depending on the looked after person’s needs. According to Dr. Hannah, “You can be a carer for someone with a wide range of different care needs, including both physical and mental health. People think there’s quite a classic idea of what being a carer looks like and what it involves; people often think of a carer as someone who provides personal hygiene care, whereas there are many different areas of someone’s life you may be providing care for.”
Carers may frequently help with:
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dressing, bathing, and feeding
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monitoring medication
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household chores
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shopping, transportation, going to doctor’s appointments
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paying bills and managing finances
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keeping people company
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watching over people who cannot be left on their own
Why is it important to know whether you’re a carer?
It is important to know if you’re a carer because there are many challenges - personal, relational, and financial - that can come with being a carer. It’s important to consider these potential difficulties, and also to know that there are specific places you can turn to for help and support. When people don’t realise that they’re carers, they’re likely to have a difficult time seeking out and finding the appropriate emotional, financial, and care related support.
Common difficulties carers may face
Being a carer is a complex role for a number of reasons. Here are a few common difficulties to consider, along with some advice and perspective from Dr. Hannah.
1. Managing time and responsibilities
Carers often have to balance their caring responsibilities with many other responsibilities, including work, studies, a career, and taking care of others. Being a carer can often feel like a 24/7 role, and having to balance so many responsibilities can be overwhelming.
Dr. Hannah says, “As a carer, it’s important to remember that you cannot and should not have to do it all; it’s important to recognise what you can and are willing to do as a carer, and which aspects of care would be best to get help with” (resources and support for carers are listed at the end of the article). Writing a list of your caring responsibilities can help with this. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so it’s important that you have some time to take care of yourself and manage and enjoy other aspects of your life in order to take care of someone else properly.
For additional articles on self-care, take a look at Qwell’s self-care collection.
2. Balancing roles in a relationship
Carers often have trouble balancing their roles as a carer versus as a family member or friend. Dr. Hannah says, “It can be quite difficult when there’s no separation between ‘when I am with you as a carer, and when I am with you in other roles,’ potentially - ‘am I allowed to have fun with you, or is this time more about these heavy care aspects?’” Often, carers may feel a loss of identity and confusion about their role in a relationship when caring duties come into play. Caring duties can shift the dynamics of relationships and force a change of expectations, which can be quite challenging to manage.
As a carer, it can be helpful to communicate about your caring duties with the person you’re looking after, or a trusted person, and to express what you’re comfortable with doing and when. For example, you can say that you’re comfortable being emotional support and taking care of the household, but you’d prefer to get help with aspects of physical care and have at least five hours to yourself on the weekend. Creating a healthy schedule for your caring responsibilities can help your relationship with the person you’re caring for by making it so that figuring out care isn’t the main factor of your relationship, or life.
3. Financial stress
Caring responsibilities can impact the amount of time people have to dedicate to work and making income. As a carer is unpaid for their work, and providing care can require additional expenses, financial stress is a frequent concern. Dr. Hannah says, “Don’t just accept that you have to struggle financially - you can request an NHS carer’s assessment and ask for input and support around what different benefits are available. There is support available for carers - that doesn’t mean it’s always adequate, but it is worth exploring the options. You can seek advice from places like Citizens Advice and Money Matters.”
4. Loneliness and isolation
Carers may often feel consumed by their caring responsibilities, or like no one understands how they feel. With less time and energy to socialise, carers can often feel lonely and isolated. Although it may feel challenging at times, it is important to remember that making even a little bit of time to build relationships and communication with others can be really helpful to your mental health.
Resources and support for carers
The NHS has a list of support and benefits for carers, which includes information about carer’s assessments, finding people to help you with carer duties, getting financial support, and specific support and advice for young carers.
If you are a carer facing financial difficulties, the UK government website also provides a list of benefits and financial support available if you’re caring for someone. For further advice on finances, you can seek help from places like Citizens Advice and Money Matters.”
For more information and support, you can check out Carers UK, an organisation dedicated to making carers’ lives easier across the UK. Carers UK has information on nearly every topic related to being a carer and has a handy directory of local support services.
A sense of community and having someone you can talk to about your feelings and experiences is extremely important as a carer. It could be good to try to find a local or online support group for carers. If you’re caring for an elderly person, Age UK runs support groups for carers around the UK.
